Rebuild Me
by A-Dream's-Nightmare
Summary: Day by day, Ward is slowly figuring out who he is. He could be anyone he wants to be. But before that can happen, the team has gone missing and Ward needs help from the last person he ever thought possible. Because Grant Ward is nothing without his Skye.


It was one day, seven hours, and thirty four minutes later that they held Antoine Triplett's funeral. Truth be told, it was the only thing Ward really remembered of that week, and even then he was a bit blurry on the details. 'A mental breakdown,' was what Simmons called it. He really hated how that sounded, but weeks later when he was clear enough to understand what was going on around him, even he could not deny the truth of it.

Skye said he completely broke down after he tried to kill himself. (He tried to _kill_ himself? How come he couldn't remember that?) She was unbelievably understanding when he had a hard time understanding that -no, really. He couldn't believe that she was even willing to speak with him- and just calmly told him what happened that day. He told her that he remembered pointing the gun at her, hearing her words and Garrett's. He told her that all he could think of was her and how she erased the man he used to be, the soldier he'd always been (she had a hard time trying to understand his meaning) and that he just couldn't do it.

_"I don't deserve to be yours,"_ he repeated, telling her the last thing he remembered was the first time he told her loved her. It was usually at this point that she'd take his face in her hands, look him deep in the eyes, and tell him," _But you are. And I'm yours."_

See, it was that that he was a little fuzzy on. "_Did…did you tell me that you love me?_" he would ask quietly, to which she would nod and tell him," _I love you, Grant Ward." And_ he didn't ask her just that one time either. Fitz later told him that for his first week 'post Garrett' (as Ward liked to think of it as), Ward kept asking her repeatedly. He would either forget it or he didn't believe her.

_"I wouldn't forget that_," he shot back, offended that Fitz would imply that he forgot the first time the love of his life told him she loved him.

_"Oh yeah? What day is it, Ward?"_

"_Tuesday_," he answered without hesitation, sure of his answer.

Fitz just looked at him funny. "_…It's Friday."_

Yup, mental breakdown. In which Ward went through the strangest case of amnesia he's ever heard of (according to Simmons, it actually wasn't that rare), had gigantic mood swings (one minute he was screaming and throwing things around in his cell, cursing Garrett and all that he had ruined for him; and the next he was as docile and meek as a kitten) but most of the time, he would just sit on his cot and stare into space, not all there (Skye showed him the security footage, proving it much to his disbelief)

But there was one thing he would never forget for as long as he lived… and that was when they lowered Trip's casket into the ground. It wasn't even a real funeral, nor anywhere near as grand as Trip deserved. Yet it was all they could give him; SHIELD was still considered a terrorist organization and it would take a few day before Garrett's death took a toll on HYDRA, maybe even more. Somehow, Skye had coaxed Ward into flying the Bus out of the base (but not before literally hauling May into his arms and running her to the med pod so that Simmons could save her) and to Trip's hometown. "_Our protector's back,"_ Skye whispered into his ear as he flew, his body acting as if on autopilot instead of the plane, and he never really did understand what she meant by that. He assumed it was because he didn't even remember running May to safety; he just did it on instinct. And isn't that the funny thing? His instinct was to protect the very woman he shot. With a gun. And a _real_ bullet. He almost might've broken her leg too -he couldn't remember- and still he just scooped her up, cried for Simmons and ran straight to the medbay. Wow, he's a pathetic mix of contradictions. But he tried not to say that out loud around Skye.

Trip only had his mom, who cried and cried and actually caused Ward to cry too (he vehemently denied doing so) and no one had the heart to tell her that Grant was partially responsible for Trip's death. They buried him next to his father and grandfather, two war heroes and one a Howling Commando, in a nice casket that Coulson got with Ward's money (it was the least he could do). It was just the six of them, civilian and SHIELD and ex-HYDRA alike, all crying at the loss that was Antoine Triplett.

And that was really all Grant could remember of that day: feeling cold, and lost, and so _so_ guilty. He was the last to leave the grave, even after the dirt had all been filled in, after his mother left to go home, escorted by Coulson. Skye said he sat next to Trip for hours, crying for the man that could've been his teammate if only he had been strong enough.

But Grant Ward doesn't exist. So how could he be strong enough for anything?

* * *

It was two days post-Garrett that they returned to the Playground. Skye (and Fitz, who for some reason no one could understand) refused to let Coulson hand Grant over to the military. May and Simmons were against it. But Fitz found an unused bedroom; so he outfitted it with a reinforced steel door -Koenig wasn't happy when he 'borrowed' it from the archives room, but to be fair at least he made Ward carry the damn heavy thing- and a thumbprint scanner. (Where he found the supplies necessary to make a thumbprint scanner, he wasn't telling) The walls and ceiling were plaster covered concrete, same as the rest of the base, and had a tiled floor.

* * *

It was three days post-Garrett that Fitz finished his project and proudly presented it to Grant and Coulson. They moved Ward from the Cage on the Bus to his new room. As far as 'prison cells' went, it was rather cozy. He had a bed, a couple shelves for books and clothes, and a bathroom of his own. Coulson made Fitz take the door off and put up a curtain instead.

In Ward's opinion, it was far more than he deserved.

* * *

It was four days post-Garrett that Simmons visited Ward for the first time since the funeral. She left after five minutes because he couldn't stop apologizing.

* * *

It was six days post-Garrett that she returned and found Skye telling him -again- how Garrett died. Grant waited a long moment, going over what Skye had just told him, and finally said," I should've killed him when I was sixteen." That was the first time any of them realized just how long Garrett had control of Ward.

She left without saying a word to him and immediately sought out Coulson. With an angry expression on her face, she demanded," Ward didn't enter the Academy until he was 22. So how did he know Garrett when he was sixteen?"

Coulson didn't have an answer for her.

* * *

It was seven days post-Garrett that May wheeled into his cell -he almost broke down again upon seeing the strongest woman he knew in a wheelchair- and asked him the strangest request he'd ever heard.

He signed the cast on her leg, right next to Coulson's signature, just as she requested. He requested she punch him in the face. She obliged.

* * *

It was nine days post-Garrett that Ward had a meltdown when Coulson asked him about Garrett in his younger years. Something in Ward just… snapped, and after ten minutes of screaming and throwing things Skye ran in to calm him down. The transformation was instant; upon hearing her call his name, Grant sat with a huff on the floor and let her pull him into her arms. May worried that he was too dependent on Skye, but Coulson was too shaken up by the things Ward had yelled at him.

_"Fifteen fucking years, Coulson! I lost fifteen years of my life to that monster, and I thought he was my hero! I thought he pulled me out of hell, I thought I owed him everything!"_

But what pained Coulson the most: _"Where were you?! You brought me on this team because you wanted to 'humanize' me, but where were you fifteen years ago?! Why couldn't you have been the one to save me? Why did you have to wait over a decade before you took notice of a lost cause like me?"_

_"If you had…he wouldn't have…John wouldn't…"_

Coulson didn't sleep that night; over and over again asking himself, what if he had been the one fifteen years ago? Why couldn't he have been the one to find Grant, instead of Garrett?

* * *

It was ten days post-Garrett that Ward finally became fully aware of himself and what he'd done. He begged for Coulson's forgiveness and said it was all his fault, that he made the choice to trust Garrett. Without a word, Coulson just reached out and put his arms around Ward, fifteen years overdue.

* * *

It was eleven days post-Garrett that he told Coulson about those five years in the woods where his only human contact had been John Garrett. He told him about the years afterwards, living in fear of failing Garrett's high standards. It confirmed Simmons' theory about Stockholm Syndrome.

* * *

It was twelve days post-Garrett that he started writing down everything he knew about Hydra; locations of bases, every Hydra agent he knew about, possible Hydra agents, everything he knew about Cybertek and project Deathlok (including how and why Garrett turned Hydra), _everything_.

* * *

It was fifteen days post-Garrett that Ward ran out of things to write.

* * *

Coulson hated paperwork. He hated it…a lot. Unfortunately, when trying to rebuild an entire organization from ashes, and in the shadows, there came a lot of paperwork with the job. So when Skye stopped by his office to inform him that Fitz was making lunch, including Ward's, he jumped at the chance to leave his office for a brief respite. "I'll take it to him," he offered, though the hopeful look in his eyes told her that he wouldn't have it any other way. She hesitated a moment; she usually brought Ward his meals -it was her time to spend a couple hours with him- but Coulson was looking at her so hopeful. "Fine," she relented.

* * *

Coulson used to only go to Ward's cell with an armed guard at his side, and later outside the door. As of five days ago, he didn't even bother with that. Instead, there was a smile on his face as he walked down the well-lit hallway carrying a tray of food. Balancing the tray with one hand, he scanned his thumb with the other and waited for the faint hiss of the door unlocking. "Sorry, I know you're expecting Skye," he apologized as he pushed the door open," But I just got so sick of paperwork and signing a bunch of-" he faltered to a halt when his eyes fell on Ward.

He was sitting on his bed, staring down at the notebook in front of him; the same one he'd been writing information in, then tearing the sheets out and giving them to Coulson. One of his hands was raking through his hair and mussing it up spectacularly, while in the other he held his pen…which he was nervously chewing on the end of. He hadn't even noticed Coulson enter his room, so engrossed with his thoughts. If Phil had to be honest, he'd say Ward looked…worried, staring at the paper like it was going to lash out and attack him.

"It's just a blank piece of paper," he finally spoke after five minutes and Ward still hadn't looked up -the pen looked as if a dog had gotten hold of it- until he very nearly jumped out of his own skin.

"Coulson!" Ward exclaimed, and seeing that the paper was indeed blank, he paled and tried to hide it behind him. Why he did so, Coulson couldn't begin to fathom. "I…umm…well, I…" Ward was stuttering and stumbling over his words and instantly Coulson was worried too. It had been quite a few days since Ward was lucid, and Ward -the normal Ward- never stuttered.

Instantly, Coulson was at his side, the food forgotten on one corner of the bed," Ward, what's wrong?" Grant wasn't making eye contact with him, that was bad. "Please tell me, Grant."

The use of his first name did the trick -it always did- and Ward's eyes finally met Coulson's. "I… I'm sorry," was the first words out of his mouth. Coulson didn't try to correct him, learning that the more you told Ward not to apologize the more he would do the opposite, and waited patiently for him to continue. Ward groaned in despair and hung his head in his hands," I'm useless. Useless. Useless. _Useless_! I promised myself I'd help you in anyway I could; I'd tell you everything about Hydra and how to take them down, but-" He trailed off, shaking his head.

"I was just a sleeper agent. Garrett didn't like to share, he liked having all the answers and keeping everyone guessing," he lamented," Everything I know I learned after I betrayed you; hell, I've never even _met_ another Hydra agent until that day!"

"I don't have anything more to give you, sir." It nearly broke Coulson's heart upon seeing the look of anguish on Ward's face. "Nothing, sir, nothing. I'm useless."

"Grant, you're _not_ useless," Coulson tried to tell him, wanting to reach out but fearing it might do more harm than good," You've helped us so much. You took out Garrett, you gave us all our information on Cybertek-"

Ward didn't hear him and to Coulson, it seemed like the young man curled in on himself. "I'm sorry," he repeated, sounding meek and afraid," I'm sorry I failed you. Please don't give up on me. I…I'll do better. I'll try to think of more, I'll…I'll help in any way I can, I swear." Now, Coulson _did_ feel his heart breaking. "Just, please… don't be mad. I'll do better. I'll do better."

Consequences be damned! Phil could take no more and so, with unshed tears in his eyes, he reached out and wrapped the young specialist into a two armed hug. It caught Ward off guard and he tensed, perhaps fearing repercussion for his perceived failures. But this time, it was Coulson apologizing," I'm sorry, Grant. You have nothing to apologize for. Don't ever believe you're useless, you are anything but. And don't worry about giving us anymore information; you've already given so much." Ward remained silent. "You said it yourself, you were a sleeper agent. Of course you wouldn't be told everything, it was too high a risk, so I'll never hold it against you."

"But now I'm useless to you."

"You are never useless, do you hear me? Sure, it'll take us a long time before we can trust you again, but someday…" Coulson paused. Did Grant want to return to the field as a SHIELD agent someday? Did he even want to rejoin the team, or was he just trying to make up for past wrongs? Perhaps, after all of this was done, he could even leave the organization altogether and restart his life as a normal man. Whatever he chose, Coulson knew he would support him.

"…someday, you'll be our Grant Ward again," he finished, figuring that'd be the best answer he could give right now.

Ward had a different opinion. "I hated that Grant Ward," he mumbled and he rested his forehead on Coulson's shoulder with a heavy sigh, which Coulson considered a victory," He was nothing but lies."

"Then you can be whoever you want to be."

He thought for a long minute. "I just want to be a better man…"

It wasn't the first time he'd said such. "For Skye?" Coulson asked. Ward nodded mutely. "What about in general?"

"I want to be a good man."

Phil smiled; they were finally making some real progress. "And we'll help you every step of the way, Grant. Don't you worry. We won't ever give up on you."


End file.
